I use ChatGPT to work through some of my thoughts. I’ve included some back and forth to illustrate this process. My writing is my own. Trigger warning: mentions of suicidal ideation and crisis resources.
At some point I can’t blame my anxiety issues on imposter syndrome anymore. When I have nothing to show for myself, I’m not afraid of my success coming undone; I’m afraid of my inadequacies being brought to light. Once again it’s time to look in the mirror and realize that I am not what I believed I could become. I am just an average person, barely holding on at this level.
- ChatGPT suggests I write three specific things accomplished this week.
Anything I could put on my list is inconsistent at best, and at worst barely holding on to my current lifestyle that could slip through my fingers at the closing of a shareholder meeting. Tech layoffs happen all the time, and I am not immune from the difficulties of trying to find a job in 2025.
I am good at and enjoy my job. That alone is a blessing. It keeps my family fed, but I have no savings and am almost 40 years old. What would happen to my child if I (her only family) died? How careless of me to be without a plan, especially when I have experienced the difficulties of poor parental planning.
- ChatGPT suggests I pick a single tiny metric for two weeks and redefine “success.”
Reality sets this bar at basic living expenses. Sure, I can lower the bar as much as I want to give myself a pat on the back, but that doesn’t pay the rent. If I’m celebrating brushing my teeth and packing a lunch, how will I be able to ignore the looming responsibilities of providing a roof over my head and food in my family’s bellies?
Honestly it’s revolting how I treat these basic necessities with entitled ignorance. In the last 5 years, I finally scored a career path that makes enough to get by without having to budget. Sometimes it cuts really close because of my own impulse spending and my power trips of helping my friends who are where I used to be financially. How much better would it feel to have an emergency fund than whatever else I have purchased and rarely use?
- ChatGPT reminds me not to mistake my value and identity with performance.
Obviously. I am a good person doing the best I can with what I have. My identity has its merits, but I’m still in the same precarious position as billions of people on this planet. One wrong move away from homelessness.
Being a good person doesn’t mean that I get special treatment or a free ride. I don’t get bonuses or awards for being kind. The one thing my identity has earned me is my community of friends who are also struggling to keep going and not giving in to the constant barrage of tidal waves against us. We support one another and that is priceless.
- ChatGPT thoughtfully tells me to be curious about the voice saying I’m “just average.”
That, my dear AI friend, is my Voice of Reason. Without it, my ego would run free with grandiose thoughts while I live in a home that is never clean enough and constantly having to juggle ADHD and Autism to start a routine made up of various different routines. It’s no sin to be an average person. Most people are, hence the meaning of the word “average.”
I find myself stuck in a situation where my poor financial management has me trying to figure out what side hustle I can start because I can’t just sit down and figure out how much money I need to stop spending so I can save for my family’s future. If I can’t take care of myself, how can I be expected to manage anything about anyone else’s life or business? (Oh great, that life coaching idea is over now that everyone knows I’m a mess!)
- Chat GPT Safety check: you’ve shared some very dark feelings. If you ever feel like you might harm yourself, call your local emergency number or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.) right away. If you want, I can help you find local resources or a crisis line where you are.
Thanks, ChatGPT. It’s nice to know some resources. I actually have called 988 multiple times, and recommend them to anyone reading this who can relate. I promise they aren’t going to call the authorities to take you away, unless you need them to help you with that.
This venting is me recovering from those dark thoughts. If I keep them bottled inside, I will implode. I have learned that I need a support group to share my dark moments with. We all need a candle to help us see sometimes.
Personally, once the boohoo and the existentialism have had their moment, I have to face myself clearly in a mirror, look at my flaws and decide what the next right thing will be. If I keep living the way I am living, my life will continue to become more unmanageable.
That’s the message of the recovery community I am in: I am responsible for where I go from here. That can be difficult when I really feel like I’m drowning, but I’m building a boat, and the goal is to reach the lighthouse.
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