Nescio Disco Space

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  • Facing the Mirror

    Facing the Mirror

    I use ChatGPT to work through some of my thoughts. I’ve included some back and forth to illustrate this process. My writing is my own. Trigger warning: mentions of suicidal ideation and crisis resources.

    At some point I can’t blame my anxiety issues on imposter syndrome anymore. When I have nothing to show for myself, I’m not afraid of my success coming undone; I’m afraid of my inadequacies being brought to light. Once again it’s time to look in the mirror and realize that I am not what I believed I could become. I am just an average person, barely holding on at this level.

    • ChatGPT suggests I write three specific things accomplished this week.

    Anything I could put on my list is inconsistent at best, and at worst barely holding on to my current lifestyle that could slip through my fingers at the closing of a shareholder meeting. Tech layoffs happen all the time, and I am not immune from the difficulties of trying to find a job in 2025.

    I am good at and enjoy my job. That alone is a blessing. It keeps my family fed, but I have no savings and am almost 40 years old. What would happen to my child if I (her only family) died? How careless of me to be without a plan, especially when I have experienced the difficulties of poor parental planning.

    • ChatGPT suggests I pick a single tiny metric for two weeks and redefine “success.”

    Reality sets this bar at basic living expenses. Sure, I can lower the bar as much as I want to give myself a pat on the back, but that doesn’t pay the rent. If I’m celebrating brushing my teeth and packing a lunch, how will I be able to ignore the looming responsibilities of providing a roof over my head and food in my family’s bellies?

    Honestly it’s revolting how I treat these basic necessities with entitled ignorance. In the last 5 years, I finally scored a career path that makes enough to get by without having to budget. Sometimes it cuts really close because of my own impulse spending and my power trips of helping my friends who are where I used to be financially. How much better would it feel to have an emergency fund than whatever else I have purchased and rarely use?

    • ChatGPT reminds me not to mistake my value and identity with performance.

    Obviously. I am a good person doing the best I can with what I have. My identity has its merits, but I’m still in the same precarious position as billions of people on this planet. One wrong move away from homelessness.

    Being a good person doesn’t mean that I get special treatment or a free ride. I don’t get bonuses or awards for being kind. The one thing my identity has earned me is my community of friends who are also struggling to keep going and not giving in to the constant barrage of tidal waves against us. We support one another and that is priceless.

    • ChatGPT thoughtfully tells me to be curious about the voice saying I’m “just average.”

    That, my dear AI friend, is my Voice of Reason. Without it, my ego would run free with grandiose thoughts while I live in a home that is never clean enough and constantly having to juggle ADHD and Autism to start a routine made up of various different routines. It’s no sin to be an average person. Most people are, hence the meaning of the word “average.”

    I find myself stuck in a situation where my poor financial management has me trying to figure out what side hustle I can start because I can’t just sit down and figure out how much money I need to stop spending so I can save for my family’s future. If I can’t take care of myself, how can I be expected to manage anything about anyone else’s life or business? (Oh great, that life coaching idea is over now that everyone knows I’m a mess!)

    • Chat GPT Safety check: you’ve shared some very dark feelings. If you ever feel like you might harm yourself, call your local emergency number or the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.) right away. If you want, I can help you find local resources or a crisis line where you are.

    Thanks, ChatGPT. It’s nice to know some resources. I actually have called 988 multiple times, and recommend them to anyone reading this who can relate. I promise they aren’t going to call the authorities to take you away, unless you need them to help you with that.

    This venting is me recovering from those dark thoughts. If I keep them bottled inside, I will implode. I have learned that I need a support group to share my dark moments with. We all need a candle to help us see sometimes.

    Personally, once the boohoo and the existentialism have had their moment, I have to face myself clearly in a mirror, look at my flaws and decide what the next right thing will be. If I keep living the way I am living, my life will continue to become more unmanageable.

    That’s the message of the recovery community I am in: I am responsible for where I go from here. That can be difficult when I really feel like I’m drowning, but I’m building a boat, and the goal is to reach the lighthouse.

  • Gaslighting… by an Algorithm?

    Gaslighting… by an Algorithm?

    Social media distorts reality and manipulates us into performing for its own benefit. How do we return to (or create) an internet that reflects the best of humanity?

    For a while now, I’ve felt like I’ve been in a toxic relationship with my social media feeds. Enter Algorithm Gaslighting. Sure, it may feed me dopamine and content I’m willing to engage with, but does it ever actually improve my life? I’m old enough to compare my doom scrolling with what I used to watch on cable (HGTV, Animal Planet, Discovery, Comedy Central, etc.)… I miss cable. How were we supposed to know that cord cutting would be a mistake like fighting a Hydra–cut one head off, and two more appear?

    And it’s intentionally designed to be this way! We used to become couch potatoes… now… we’re brain rotting potatoes! Every day on social media, I see creators asking for help because their content isn’t reaching people: shadow banning. When content creators share their lived experience, social media companies claim they don’t shadow ban accounts: that’s gaslighting. Social media companies don’t allow us to know exactly how the algorithm works, and they can make us second-guess our reality by denying that the system is doing what it’s doing. Researchers call this ‘Black Box Gaslighting’ (Cotter, 2023).

    This isn’t just an influencer issue. There are actually people out there taking this seriously and collecting evidence to enlighten the world about these manipulative tactics and our need for more transparency across social media:

    “Our dataset draws from seemingly disparate groups who share moderation experiences: Jewish creators engaged in combating antisemitism, Palestinian creators advocating for human rights and sex-positive creators, whose expertise and stories are dismissed and belittled by platforms.” (Divon et al., 2025)

    We are incentivized by our human egos and the hope of financial gain to post only content that gains likes by leveraging surprise, anger, or fear. These emotions attract engagement far better than joy or curiosity, but aren’t those the emotions we most desire? If we are what we think, then what we feed our minds creates our reality. It’s easy to see why we feel so lost and alone even in a room full of people or an overcrowded city. I’ll admit it’s hard for me to make eye contact or small talk when I’m out in public.

    Likes do not equal worth. Views do not make truth. A social media algorithm will not lead us to real connection. Only our natural gifts of community can develop authentic exchanges. If you’ve ever made a true friend online, I’d bet anything it wasn’t forced upon you like featured content begging for engagement.

    Not only does social media fail us by bringing out our worst, but it alienates us and draws our enemies to our comment sections to ridicule us. So we hide and redirect from the most vulnerable parts of our identity. Shamefully afraid to be who we are. So much so that content creators who do put their unedited photos front and center are seen as niche content. How can the unfiltered versions of our human bodies be considered niche?

    niche – adjective

    denoting products, services, or interests that appeal to a small, specialized section of the population.

    Why!! Back in the OLD DAYS, we hand coded our blogs in HTML, CSS, and PHP. Some of my online friends had free resources that other bloggers could use to design their website in a subscription free (probably pirated) version of Adobe Photoshop 5. Can you hear my age in my voice?

    Niche didn’t exist because everyone was unique. It was expected that every website would look different. These days, we try to be as similar as possible with some kind of twist that makes us stand out, but not too much. Niche was Normal.

    The phone in your hand is designed like a casino; make it as easy as possible to keep playing and win just enough so you don’t give up (variable reward schedules) and hide the clocks so you don’t realize how long you’ve been zombified. The unpredictability creates addiction. Research shows this isn’t a failure of willpower: it’s intentional manipulation of neurochemistry for profit (Bekalu et al., 2023).

    When it comes to social media, less is not more. It’s just less.

    Myself, I’ve taken multiple breaks from Facebook and stuck to YouTube to gain some sense of control over my digital time. Many of my friends have gone on hiatus. Have you ever tried it? Were you much changed when you returned? You’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. This is a systemic issue, and our current culture makes it nearly impossible to live without a smart phone at all times.

    I don’t know what the answer is, but I’ve created this blog to regain something that was taken from me 20 years ago. I hope to attract like-minded people, form blog rings, check in on one another and leave thoughtful comments on blogs that are written without hashtags or aligning to a personal brand. Life is messy, and I want to see it spilled out in medium-long form content again.

    Bookmark this Blog if you want to return and see what I’ve been up to. In the future, there will be an old-school forum and some blog rings to join. We can build an internet that reflects our best impulses. The tools do exist, and I’m not the first to seek a better internet. I will find them, and they will find me. We will do this together. Learning something new every day.